PEOPLE WHO DON'T LISTEN You know the type, they grouse about their self-inflicted injuries for hours on end, turning your eardrums and, consequently your brain, into mince, and when they finally take a breather and you dare to talk about your day for all of three minutes, you get the feeling you're talking into a wind tunnel. My solution? Tell your friend that it bothers you. If their behaviour continues regardless HANG UP THE FUCKING PHONE!
ELECTRONIC RAGE You've just spent two hours waiting for a three minute You Tube video to load, only to have it freeze at the beginning of your favourite song, locking Lady Ga Ga's face in a permanent expression of horrified ecstasy. You're mid-way through a zombie marathon when your planet-sized flat screen has a conniption fit, transforming the post-apocalyptic world into a Tetris game. Your iPod, in an apparent act of divine cyber-intervention, won't accept that Nickel Back album torrent you stole. My solution? READ A FUCKING BOOK!!!!!
REALITY TELEVISION Big Brother; The Bachelor/ette; Jersey Shore; Big Fat Gypsy Weddings - the plethora of vapid, plastic, manipulative, incomprehensible-without-subtitles drivel that makes up about ninety per-cent of network programming these days is enough to do any person's head in, any person with an IQ above forty anyway; (in the interests of transparency I am compelled to admit that I recently found myself swept up in the awe-inspiring pus harvest that is Big Brother Australia. My defense for this is that there was at least one contestant this year who was intelligent, kind, and honest - i.e. didn't belong there - needless to say, she didn't win, and I won't be watching again. Mental crisis over). This genre raises a lot of questions. Why work when you can score $250,000 for being an arsehole? Why are grown women clambering over each other to win the affections of a complete stranger to whom they wouldn't ordinarily give the time of day? Why - oh why - are inebriated Oompa Loompa's with That Girl hair and Himbos with more weight in their boxer's than their brains given lucrative contracts they can't even read? I'll tell you why - because about ten years ago, network executives went out on a fact-finding mission and discovered that Chavs/Bogans/insert apt trashy nickname here liked making dicks of themselves and, more importantly, liked watching themselves make dicks of themselves. Correlate that with the small percentage of them that read and you have a guaranteed formula for ratings success. My solution? DON'T FUCKING WATCH!!!!
UNGRATEFUL CHILDREN With their laptops, iPads, and multiple video game consoles keeping them entertained for hours on end, kids should reasonably be expected to appreciate the sacrifices mum and/or dad make for them, right? I mean, when we were kids, we were lucky to have a T.V. in our room, and were overjoyed to walk down the street listening to the same WHAM! album over and over again on our Walkmans, such was the dazzling array of manufactured amusement options available to us. Sadly, despite the thousands of dollars a year most parents spend to show their kids how much they love them, the adorable little urchins just can't seem to reciprocate, and don't understand why their parents insist on interrupting face-time with, like, conversation and stuff. Yes, brothers and sisters, it is heartbreaking, and I say this from experience. My solution? BE A PARENT AND STOP BUYING THEM SHIT!!!!
MEAN/BITCHY/SELFISH/DISHONEST/CRUEL PEOPLE The remorseless behaviour of people is something that has bugged me since childhood, and I have struggled to cope with it until very recently. My solution to dealing with the soul-sucking, parasitic, oblivious twats of the world? EITHER DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, OR SHUT THE HELL UP, LEST YOU BECOME ONE OF THEM!!!