The People's (and Tom's) voice.

Move over, A Current Affair! Throw yourself under a bus, (I'm begging you), Today Tonight! To make up for my failure to post last week, I decided to go all out with this make-up post and conduct a vox populi, of sorts. Well, in this case the 'General Public' was the five single over thirty year-old's I managed to find at my local shopping centre who were willing to voice their opinions on dating with me. Just like a younger, less vitriolic Barbara Walters, I arrived at my chosen venue bright and early, material and sound recording device, (i.e. my rather battered pink iPod), at the ready. I practically had to beg to get anyone to open up but once they did, I hit them with the following five questions. Enjoy!

WHY DO YOU THINK YOU'RE STILL SINGLE?
Tom, 37 - Because women are too bloody fussy! (You know Tom, maybe we are. Who says intelligence, character and a post secondary school level vocabulary are important in a life partner?)
Maria, 42 - Because there aren't any good men left and the ones that are are gay!
Melissa, 41 - I'm too fussy. And most of the good guys are gay.
Sheridan, 39 - Because my mother interrogates every guy I go out with and scares them off!
Helen, 41 - No good guys left. (I absolutely refuse to believe that.)

*Note to self: must track Sheridan down to discuss starting a support group.

WOULD YOU DATE SOMEONE WITH KIDS?
Tom - Yeah. As long as she didn't expect me to be a father to them. Unless they were brats. (Oh Tom; I don't think any woman in her right mind would expect you to help raise her offspring.)
Maria - My family probably wouldn't like it, but I might. Depends how many!
Melissa - Not if they were teenagers; I can't handle teenagers. (Didn't have the heart to tell Melissa that baby's and toddlers do, god willing, eventually become teenagers).
Sheridan - I've got two of my own, so it wouldn't bother me.
Helen - Yeah. I love kids.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT INTERNET DATING?
Tom - It's a bit of fun. I've been out with a few girls on one site. Nothing yet. Like I said, they're too fussy.
Maria - I'm always on dating sites. I've been out with a lot of guys through those. Most of them only want one thing, but sometimes you meet someone nice.
Melissa - Don't go on them! I went out on one date with a guy, and he kept calling me for months afterwards. I ignored his calls and didn't ring back but he wouldn't give up! (Might I suggest communicating your disinterest? It's a viable option unless you prefer sleeping with a baseball bat under your pillow).
Sheridan - They're okay as a last resort, but most of the people on those sites are just looking for sex. It smacks of desperation to me. (I second that emotion!)
Helen - I've used them a few times. You see some weirdos on there, but I've gotten a few free dinners out of them! (McDonald's or KFC?)

WHAT'S THE WORST THING ABOUT BEING SINGLE AT OUR AGE?
Tom - Gets a bit lonely sometimes. And I can't cook to save myself! (There we are, ladies; the way to Tom's heart is his stomach. Run down to your local TAFE college and sign up for cooking lessons, post haste!)
Maria - Your family thinks there's something wrong with you!
Melissa - It's hard to find guys who are available.
Sheridan - I don't think it is the worst thing in the world. I've had my kids, so I'm in no rush to get married and start a family. That's the reason most people our age are in such a rush to meet someone.
Helen - People think you're either a bitch or you're gay. (Is anyone else seeing a pattern here?)

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SET UP?
Tom - No. I wish someone would, though. What are you doing on the weekend? (At this point, your humble reporter thanked Tom for his help, avoiding eye contact, and scanned the immediate area for security guards).
Maria - Once. Never again! My boss set me up with his cousin and he told me he was tall and good looking and when he showed up, he was shorter than me and had a beard! (There's a reason they call them 'Blind' dates.)
Melissa - Never. No thanks.
Sheridan - Quite a few times by my friends. They're hopeless at picking my type! (Sheridan then elaborated and said that, like me, she prefers her men to have souls and at least a double digit i.q.).

Five life lessons Internet dating sites have taught me.

Much as I like to spread the hate when it comes to cyber matchmaking, my extensive experience with this 'science' has taught me some valuable life lessons that I'd like to share with you.

1.  LITERACY IS OVERRATED.  Those of us who passed English at high school might feel qualified to guffaw uproariously at the horrendous spelling mistakes and appalling grammar exhibited in some online dating profiles, but think about it.  Misspellings, unnecessary and incorrect abbreviation and total abandonment of punctuation leave a lot more room for guys to showcase their unique interests and talents.  How else could they tell you that they 'luv spots an dansing an hikking an hav a grate sence of hummer?'

2.  EVERYTHING SOUNDS BETTER IN CAPITALS.  What woman wouldn't be eager to get to know a guy who is so confident, he feels the need to shout it from the rooftops?  One profile that caught my eye recently went something like this: 'I'M A CARING, SENSITIVE, DOWN TO EARTH GUY WHO LOVES ROMANCE AND IS A VERY GOOD LISTENER.'  There's no better way to tell a girl you care than by screaming in her face and covering her in spittle.

3.  A HALF NAKED MAN IS A QUALITY MAN.  Never mind those annoyingly sweet, sensitive, intelligent, shirt-wearing guys that are vying for your affection; sometimes it's nice to hook up with someone who is refreshingly simple and uncomplicated.  Imagine the bliss you could achieve by switching off that pesky, logical old frontal lobe and letting your occipital, the party lobe, take over.  Who needs intellectual stimulation when sweet, sweet eye candy is there for the taking?

4.  ANGER IS A TURN-ON.  Just about every woman in the world desires honesty in a partner, so how could you possibly go wrong with a guy who lays all of his issues out on the table before you've even met?  I personally find it intoxicating when a man warns me at the get go that he won't be putting up with any game playing, possessive, loud women who have designs on running his life for him, particularly if his profile picture makes him look like an armed robber fresh from the perp walk. 

5.  SHEEP GET ALL THE ACTION.  The next time you come across yet another profile extolling the benefits of the writer's honest, caring and down to earth nature, don't be so quick to brush it aside.  The reason that there are so many of these sorts of profiles out there is simple: they work.  Who are you to say he's not good enough for you, just because he's unoriginal?  The numbers say it all.  How could the several million other women who have fallen for these platitudes be so terribly wrong?

I sincerely hope these juicy little factoids will be of help to you in your search for that special someone, and I encourage all you ladies to arm yourself with this knowledge and use it well.  I will aid your cause even further by snapping up the men who do not possess any of the above qualities.  After all, I consider it my duty as a mentor to weed out the undesirables, and take a bullet for the sisterhood.  God speed.