The Chat-Up

Just over a month ago, I announced that I was going to go out and have the mother of all celebrations for my fortieth birthday.  For a number of reasons, some of which were beyond my control, the shindig didn't eventuate, and my best mate has been at me to reschedule ever since.  Well, thanks to her incessant pleading/nagging/threats of bodily harm, I finally gave in.  Next Saturday, we are hitting the Irish pubs of Melbourne for a night of Bailey's, Boys and Bad Karaoke - but my chronic shyness has had a major resurgence of late, and is threatening to put the kibosh on all but two of these activities.  Fortunately, my best mate is the most stubborn, bull-headed woman in the universe, and will have none of my refusals or excuses this time around.  She told me that my inability to initiate conversation with men, (while sober), could be solved by the implementation of a time-honoured practice that has been used the world over since social interaction began all those years ago - you know, before women waxed their legs.

The icebreaker.

'All you need is a really great line, delivered in just the right way.  Men do it all the time.  It can't be that hard.'

So sayeth the tall, gorgeous, blue-eyed Rachel McAdams lookalike who has never had to approach a man in her life.  Still, a conversation starter might not be a bad idea, and I think I've come up with a good one: I'm going to tell them about the blog!

It might sound crazy to try to capture the attention of potential suitors by telling them that if we do decide to take things further, thousands of other people will be reading all about it.  Well, not ALL of it - I'm not      angling for an HBO series.  I do have to wonder about the types of men this approach would attract.  I mean, do I really want to share physical space with a guy who would read my blog the following week, eagerly searching for a mention of himself like he was trying out for a football team?  (And yes, I do know what that analogy suggests - shut up).  Some guys would understandably be put off by it, particularly if they had never actually read the blog.  For all they know, it could be a performance review, (something I would NEVER partake in, unless I was assessing my own talents, or lack thereof).  Everyone I've told about this, which no doubt now includes you, thinks it's insane and, you know what I say to that?

Thank you.

Why?  Because it's a compliment.  It takes bravery to put ones self out there and do the crazy thing, and if you guys think that much of me, then I must be a lot gutsier than I thought I was.

Or just crazy.

Time will tell.  

*Note:  I just realised that the phrase 'Take things further' may be misconstrued as code for 'Engage in non-committal carnal festivities.'  This was not my intention.  At least at the time of writing.          

Trolling - a guide for the socially awkward.

Sharing my less than stellar dating history with the world via my blog has yielded an unexpected fringe benefit; the renewal of my desire to go out and rectify matters.  With this aim in mind, I called my friend Corrina to see if she wanted to join me.  Having just moved house, and unable to get a sitter for an angry teenager forcibly bereft of his Internet access for two weeks, she found the idea of sitting down to watch a movie and falling asleep in a puddle of her own drool far more appealing.  Just as I was about to start stockpiling Tim Tams and curl up in a lonely, pathetic ball, it occurred to me that I could always fly solo.  A mental picture of myself drinking alone at a bar like the horsey cousin at a super model's wedding soon put paid to that notion, so I asked myself, are pubs and clubs the only places to meet men?

A quick Internet search soon provided the answer, praise Google.  There were several blogs on the subject, but one in particular grabbed my attention.  It was written by a man, for men, but the basic social principle behind it wasn't gender specific.  The author advised his readers to steer clear of pubs, clubs and (ugh) speed dating events, reasoning that they were the sorts of social settings already full to bursting with bigger and better competition.  Good point.  The intriguing part was his choice of alternative venues.  Seems that meeting new people is as easy as going up to them at the car wash, at the video store, or in your own street and asking for directions.  Ineptitude as icebreaker?  The article went on to say that, should you manage to strike up a conversation, ask the person out.  If not, move on.  Simple.  Then scenarios started playing out like Cohen brothers movies in my mind.

My local car wash sits on the corner of an extremely busy intersection.  Most of the cars I see being washed there are either kitted out gravel grinders or family friendly four wheel drives.  My choice of potential suitors, therefore, would be limited to Dad's on their way to pick up the kids from school (in which case I'd look like a reject from Ashley Madison, and risk incurring the wrath of the twenty or so soccer mums in their car pool), or guys who were still being weened onto solid food when I graduated from high school. 

Take two.

I'm a big movie lover, so finding a guy to talk to at the video store would be a no-brainer, were it not for the fact that I'm banned from my local video store for life due to an unpaid late fee that I'm still disputing/avoiding.  Not to worry, I can always go to a store where they sell movies...and spend a thrilling evening flipping through the titles by myself because all the smart people download these days.   

Take three.

I live on a very long street, populated largely by nuclear families and students share housing.  Were I to walk up and down, in my best dressy-but-casual gear, armed with a confident attitude and a smile, and actually manage to find someone to talk to, their opening line would either be: 'I'm quite happy with my electricity provider, thank you,' or, 'How much for a bag?'     

Maybe I am being negative.  Tell you what, if anyone has any suggestions for better locations, put them in the comment section, or send me an email, and I'll give them a try...just so long as they're not likely to end in grievous bodily harm or arrest.