A cure for a social disease

Are you the only single adult in your family?  Do people look at you like someone branded the word 'Desperate' on your forehead whenever you show up to a party alone?  Are people commenting on the stench of failure that seems to permeate your skin?  What you have is a fairly common condition, of which I am a fellow sufferer: Sympathetic Hyper Interested Tool Syndrome.  This condition is suffered largely by singles thirty years of age and over, and the source of infection is most likely to be a friend, relative, co-worker or acquaintance who is either married or in a steady relationship.  The following symptoms are the most common.

-  Acute anxiety when faced with the prospect of attending a formal event, such as a wedding, alone.  May be accompanied by nausea, excessive perspiration and diarrhea if the bride has an unattached relative, friend or embittered ex-boyfriend she wants to introduce to/throw at you.

-  Sudden, sharp decrease in self-worth.  This is usually brought on by one sided conversations with a close family member, more than likely a parent, on the direct correlation between your lack of marital status and your socio-economic predicament.

-  Sudden, sharp increase in body temperature, brought on by either rage or embarrassment at unwanted, unwarranted and often insincere sympathetic gestures from attached friends and acquaintances.  False sad expressions, pats on the shoulder and the 'Aww,' noise appear to illicit the strongest effect.

If you think you might have this potentially crippling affliction, don't despair.  There is a relatively painless cure.  Simply perform the following three step procedure, and you will reap the benefits for life.  Note: Repetition of the procedure may be necessary in severe cases.

1.  Go to the place where you are at your most relaxed and find a comfortable spot to sit.

2.  Shut out the negative thoughts that are stabbing away at your brain, and reflect instead on your best features, such as your intelligence, creativity, and sense of humour.

3.  Confront the person responsible for passing on the disease, and say: I like the way I am.  I don't need your pity/assistance/cast-offs, and I will not let you give me the S.H.I.T.S again! 

*This post is for my best friend, Corrina.  You go girl!    
         

Five reasons I'll probably be single forever (data gathered from various sources)

1.  I'm too picky.  I've waxed lyrical on this subject before, but I thought I'd address it again because my mum, my friends, and even complete strangers are constantly saying 'Loosen up,' 'Broaden (my) horizons,' 'Be more open minded,' and countless other cliched phrases that, loosely translated, mean the same thing; You're forty next year, take what you can get. 

2.  Statistics are against me.  Apparently, I was born in the wrong decade.  According to a study I read online, Aussie Baby Boomer women were spoilt for choice in the 1970's, thanks to the male-centric immigration policy back then.  Nowadays, the women outnumber men in most of the capital cities, and it's the mining towns that are guy heavy.  Great.  So all I have to do is pack my kid and my dogs and move to Coober Pedy...and stockpile a lifetime supply of Panadeine Forte to stave off the heat migraines.     

3.  I have 'baggage.'  The charming guy who said this to me wasn't referring to any of my previous relationships, nor to any residual emotions left over from them.  He was referring to my child.  This filled me with ire for two reasons.  Firstly, while I take my role as a mother very seriously, it does not define me as a person.  I did not hand in the keys to the lady mobile and trade it in for a station wagon.  Secondly, anyone close will tell you that my son is as dear as my very soul to me, and that I would cheerfully lay in the path of a Mack truck if it were to guarantee his well being, so I naturally bristle when a complete twat compares him to travel goods.

4.  I'm a challenge.  Regular readers of this blog will know of my strained relationship with Internet dating sites.  I won't bore them by reiterating it here, except to say that one of the major things wrong with even the 'legitimate' ones is that they are essentially sex classifieds.  Don't get me wrong; I have no plans to enter into a vow of celibacy, at least not voluntarily, but the amount of people on these sites that list 'fun times' as their primary objective for being there is truly staggering.  Just a hint: arousal starts in the mind.

5.  I'm me.  I'm weird, contradictory, opinionated, argumentative, ever so slightly immature and more than likely to end up in traction if I even attempt to walk a straight line in any shoe with a heel higher than a stub.  According to one friend of mine, this renders me poisonous in the social circle she inhabits.  Nice place to visit, not sure I'd want to live there.  Neighbourhood's too exclusive.

Am I destined for a lifetime of spinsterhood?  What are the five reasons you think you might be doomed to be a 'forever alone?'  Let me know in the comments.