Part of the reason I started this blog was to boost my confidence, and it's worked a treat - creatively. I'm writing better, and more prolifically, than I have in years. Personally, however, not much has changed. I do have brief bouts of boldness, but they tend to fade away as soon as I open the front door and the realisation hits that I'm actually about to step outside the house for some reason other than taking my kid to school or going on a grocery run. The fact that I haven't dated in (gasp) almost three years isn't exactly inspiring me, either. In fact, it's the opposite; because I haven't been hurt, angered, or asked to compromise during my time here at the Solo Resort, I've grown rather accustomed to the place. The general consensus is that I should just dress up, put on a smile and go out with some friends, but I honestly don't think I'm ready yet; pathetic as that may sound. I knew a woman once who used to have two or three drinks before she went out, to get herself into the party mood. If I did that, the only way you'd get me out the front door would be on a stretcher, and I'd just ruin the night by drooling on everyone anyway. The state I've found myself in could be called 'Comfortable Unease;' I know I'm lonely, incredibly so, and sometimes I fear I'll be this way forever, but I'm much too snug in my nice little rut to do anything about it. To put it simply, if you were to put together a soundtrack to match the vibe around here, you couldn't go wrong with early Radiohead.
I know things can't stay this way, and I don't want them to, but releasing myself from self-imposed exile seems impossible without the proper motivation. Earlier today, I was giving some writing advice to a friend of mine, who was stuck in a creative rut. I told him not to over think it; just sit and write and see what happens. Don't think about it; just do it. It's a piece of advice I know I should heed myself, and I plan to...eventually. ;)