Much as I like to spread the hate when it comes to cyber matchmaking, my extensive experience with this 'science' has taught me some valuable life lessons that I'd like to share with you.
1. LITERACY IS OVERRATED. Those of us who passed English at high school might feel qualified to guffaw uproariously at the horrendous spelling mistakes and appalling grammar exhibited in some online dating profiles, but think about it. Misspellings, unnecessary and incorrect abbreviation and total abandonment of punctuation leave a lot more room for guys to showcase their unique interests and talents. How else could they tell you that they 'luv spots an dansing an hikking an hav a grate sence of hummer?'
2. EVERYTHING SOUNDS BETTER IN CAPITALS. What woman wouldn't be eager to get to know a guy who is so confident, he feels the need to shout it from the rooftops? One profile that caught my eye recently went something like this: 'I'M A CARING, SENSITIVE, DOWN TO EARTH GUY WHO LOVES ROMANCE AND IS A VERY GOOD LISTENER.' There's no better way to tell a girl you care than by screaming in her face and covering her in spittle.
3. A HALF NAKED MAN IS A QUALITY MAN. Never mind those annoyingly sweet, sensitive, intelligent, shirt-wearing guys that are vying for your affection; sometimes it's nice to hook up with someone who is refreshingly simple and uncomplicated. Imagine the bliss you could achieve by switching off that pesky, logical old frontal lobe and letting your occipital, the party lobe, take over. Who needs intellectual stimulation when sweet, sweet eye candy is there for the taking?
4. ANGER IS A TURN-ON. Just about every woman in the world desires honesty in a partner, so how could you possibly go wrong with a guy who lays all of his issues out on the table before you've even met? I personally find it intoxicating when a man warns me at the get go that he won't be putting up with any game playing, possessive, loud women who have designs on running his life for him, particularly if his profile picture makes him look like an armed robber fresh from the perp walk.
5. SHEEP GET ALL THE ACTION. The next time you come across yet another profile extolling the benefits of the writer's honest, caring and down to earth nature, don't be so quick to brush it aside. The reason that there are so many of these sorts of profiles out there is simple: they work. Who are you to say he's not good enough for you, just because he's unoriginal? The numbers say it all. How could the several million other women who have fallen for these platitudes be so terribly wrong?
I sincerely hope these juicy little factoids will be of help to you in your search for that special someone, and I encourage all you ladies to arm yourself with this knowledge and use it well. I will aid your cause even further by snapping up the men who do not possess any of the above qualities. After all, I consider it my duty as a mentor to weed out the undesirables, and take a bullet for the sisterhood. God speed.