Don't let the title mislead you; I am not saying I need a boyfriend; I'm a strong, capable woman who had no Daddy issues last time she checked, as I'm sure are you. My motivation for writing this post was a conversation I had with my friend Tina shortly after she read 'Femmish to English.' Ever the constructive critic, she looked up from her laptop screen with an expression eerily similar to the one on my Nan's face when I told her I was pregnant thirteen years ago.
'You make fun of men too much; people will think you don't want a boyfriend.'
I think the little disclaimers I throw into my particularly ribald posts should suffice, but just in case they don't, here's another: my posts are written with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek, and are not meant to be taken as an indictment on mankind. Guys, the world would be a much darker place without you. I adore you all and always will. To prove it, I have compiled a list of the top five best things about having a boyfriend. As always, it is addressed to my fellow ladies, but you fellas will have the satisfaction of knowing that it was you I had in mind when I wrote it.
1. GETTING RID OF UNWANTED GUESTS. Whether it's door-knockers strong arming you into changing utility providers, or little old ladies in hats trying to convince you that the afterlife is an exclusive nightclub where Jehovah is the bouncer, nothing ruins a girls Saturday more than intruders hell bent on making us see the error of our ways. Cue the boyfriend! Once he answers the door wearing nothing but a come-hither smile, the pests will run screaming down the driveway, stabbing at their eyes with their pens and praying for our souls.
2. KEEPING THE COUCH WARM. If your next significant other turns out to be a gamer, don't be tempted to donate his X-Box to the Salvation Army, or install a stripper pole in front of the TV to get his attention; take advantage of the situation! How often have you sat down on the couch on a cold winters night, only to find it colder than a plastic Alaskan toilet seat? Fear no more! After a three or four hour Call of Duty marathon, your guy's backside will have generated enough heat for that couch to become an incubator for an ostrich egg!
3. SHUTTING YOUR MOTHER UP. Anyone who has read a little post I wrote about a month ago entitled 'My mother, my pimp,' and can identify will not need me to explain this one any further.
4. TENSION RELIEF. Whether you're angry at your boss, nervous about an upcoming traffic court appearance, or experiencing palpitations after a Johnny Depp movie marathon, having a boyfriend to come home to is a better relaxant than Valium and a whole lot more fun to take. Oh yes; I went there.
5. BIRTH CONTROL. This might sound wacky, but bare with me. If you don't wish to become a mother in the near future, being in a 'physically fulfilling' relationship will give you that much more incentive to be careful. Unconvinced? I have five words for you: 'Mummy, can I come in?'
Hopefully, that should go someway toward appeasing any of the male members of my readership I may have offended in previous posts. If there are any pro-boyfriend advantages you think I've missed, leave them in the comments section, or Facebook, Tweet or Email them to me!