The following is a list of terms I have put together to help you navigate your way through the treacherous world of dating in your thirties. How come I'm sitting here alone, giving you the benefit of my wisdom on a Friday night if it's worked so well for me? Because I'm a very giving person, that's why! I could get a date if I wanted to. Just read the damn list!
ASHTON A younger man who is gorgeous, intelligent, sensitive, witty and rich and would gladly step over women his own age who throw their panties at him in order to get to you. Your chances of meeting this man on an Internet dating site are approximately seventeen trillion to one.
BASTARD A man for whom cheating, lying and habitual fornication are a vocation. Your chances of meeting this man on an Internet dating site are approximately two to one.
CRADLE DIVING The compulsion for some women in their thirties to consistently seek out younger partners in order to relive their own youth. A great deal of thirty-something men are also inflicted with this compulsion, but the side effects suffered by their female counterparts, including guilt and peer jealousy are far less likely to occur.
DEMI-GOD A man so beautiful as to make the angels weep. Beautiful women see him as a status symbol, (see MEGA-NARCIS), pretty women see him fathering their children, and the rest of us see him in our minds while making love to the man we've settled for.
DREDGING The act of hooking up with your ex and engaging in consolatory sex when your love life hits a slump, thereby forgiving him for past transgressions. That twenty year old he slept with? He was just boosting her confidence after a bad break up. The money he stole from your account? His three thousand dollar car needed that two thousand dollar upgrade package more than your dog needed that heart operation.
EMBEZZLEMENT The act of hooking up with your married ex for the reasons listed above.
FUN TIMES A jolly term frequently used by men on internet dating site profiles as a polite way of saying that what they really want is sex.
GROUND BEEF What you'll feel like if you hook up with your married ex for Fun Times.
HEDONIST A man over thirty whose sole purpose in life is to seek out pleasure wherever he can find it, usually to compensate for an inadequacy of some kind. Easily recognisable by his mode of transportation, a generic sports car that may or may not be sporting a personalised licence plate that says 'Man Whore.'
IMPENETRABLE What you need to appear should you run into a hedonist.
JUMPING THE SHARK The act of adopting a radically different persona in order to boost your chances of successfully acquiring a companion in a nightclub.
KOOKY The polite alternative to the way people will describe you should you arrive at a nightclub looking like you just left the set of Freaky Friday in an attempt to do the above.
LOSING What it feels like you're doing the first time you set foot in an over twenty-eight's nightclub.
MEGA-NARCI A woman who wields her incredible beauty like a weapon. She does this in order to bag a Demi-God, to rob lesser women blind of their self-esteem just because she can, to compensate for the fact that she has little or no other redeeming qualities or to kill time between Next Top Model/Only way is Essex episodes.
MOVIE LENGTH PREVIEW The act of divulging every detail of your personal life on a first date, including your ex's sexual dysfunctions, and your determination to achieve your lifelong dream of being the mother of eight. If you ever plan on using your mouth for anything other than eating alone in restaurants, I advise strongly against this approach.
NASTY How a jealous friend might describe you should you arrive on a double date looking better than her.
OMNI-PRESENCE A way of ensuring that your potential suitor notices you. Ignoring a migraine to sit through his band practice, taking your best friend's obnoxious kid to football practice when his kid's team is playing and rear-ending his car at the lights are just some of the methods you could adopt.
PASSABLE A man with whom you would not normally associate, but who becomes sexually attractive in any of the following emergency situations.
a) When you are so intoxicated as to have abandoned all standards of appearance, intelligence, chromosome count and hygiene.
b) When your self-esteem is on par with a discount shoe store worker.
c) When you haven't had sexual relations in at least six months.
QUITTER What your mother calls you when you consistently refuse to abandon your standards when faced with any or all of the above situations. The term is most prevalent in single child families, due to the decreased likelihood of grandchildren being produced.
RECIPROCITY What you should demand of your best friend upon receiving the news that she is marrying the man to whom you saw yourself attached until an ambulance carted you both away from your retirement home in the mountains. If she refuses to set you up with any of his friends, you might also try reminding her that what happens in Ibiza at a bachelorette weekend doesn't necessarily have to stay there.
SOCIAL LIMBO The state you might find yourself in if the man you were sure was perfect for you doesn't call. Symptoms include carrying the phone around in a home made pouch, venturing no further than the mailbox for days at a time and convincing yourself that the only thing that could possibly be keeping him away is the internal trauma he suffered after the six car pile up he became involved in while speeding home from work to call you.
TIME Your arch nemesis.
US A word you should avoid mentioning at all costs should you desire a second date.
VOID What your love life will become should you continue to spend your Saturday nights at home alone in your Elmo pyjama's reading dating blogs.
WANDERLUST A condition suffered by most of the gorgeous single men you see surrounded by women who still have to present identification at nightclubs. It is generally advised that these men are to be avoided and pitied. Yeah...pitied.
YES! What you should be screaming if you manage to go home for the evening accompanied by one of the men mentioned in the previous definition.
ZIP The amount of consideration you should give people who tell you you are not getting any younger and should take what you can get. The people who spout this sort of wisdom are usually unhappily married friends who followed the same advice from their mothers.