Saturday, 17 September 2011

I'm too young to be a friggin Cougar!!!

WARNING:  The following post contains course language, sexual references and 'adult' situations.  Reader discretion is advised for anyone under the age of eighteen, and anyone who is offended by the poor decision making sometimes exhibited by lonely women over thirty with access to alcohol. 

I was having drinks with a friend of mine while enjoying a rare midweek night off from parental responsibilities, when I happened to mention my forthcoming post on dating younger men.  Anyone who has read my blog so far will know that I have a hate-hate relationship with Internet dating sites, so the 700ml bottle of Baileys Irish Cream sitting between us, which was down to roughly a thimble full at this point, might go some way toward explaining why I let Tina talk me into making one of the dumbest, and most blog-worthy decisions of my life. 

'Why don't you just look up one of those dating sites for Cougars?'  She spluttered.

'Because I'm not a Cougar.'

Tina then pointed out that any woman over thirty was considered a Cougar, which came as rather a shock to me; all the Cougars I'd seen on TV were rich women who divided their time between screwing twenty year-olds and lamenting the decline of their best friend, Ms Oestrogen. 

'Hey, I'm not old enough to be a Cougar.  I've got Marilyn Manson on my I Pod, for Christ's sake!'

I drained the last of the Bailey's, which by now was like slamming down sweetened formaldehyde, and churned out a profile on the most popular site I could find.  Confident that my limited 'life experience' would garner a luke warm response at best, I started scrolling through the list of potentials, just for shits and giggles.  I can say without a word of a lie that I haven't seen so much bare chest and baby oil since my son was pre-verbal. 

'Maxine found her boyfriend on this site.'

'Emphasis on the word boy.'  I muttered.

Seriously, if I was to try to sum up the majority of male clientele on this site in two words, those words would be BARELY LEGAL, a porn reference that was unintentional but nonetheless apt, given the nature of the responses that soon started pouring in.  Pseudonyms such as:  Luvs2bang and Iliketoeatp@#sy, which believe it or not I have modified, should give you some clue as to these guys idea of showing a lady a good time.  This wasn't so much a dating site as it was a sex addicts supermarket, as evidenced by the introduction that Mr Iliketo...etc, put in my inbox (if you'll pardon the pun).

I'd love to play with you.

Play what?  Guess Who?  Cluedo? 

I do have an undeniable attraction to younger men, but if the gem I have just described is indicative of the ones I'm likely to meet in cyberspace, I don't think I'll be looking for them there.  Answer me this, faithful readers: is a cute, funny, intelligent guy in his mid-twenties too much to ask for?  Do they exist anymore, or is a muscle bound meat head fluent in lol-speak the best I'm likely to get?  Leave me a comment and let me know...I'm dying here.      

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